Confessions of a young mind

Time : 1:45 am Venue : Kharagpur railway station

I popped out of my train. ”Welcome to Kharagpur”. Thanks to Mamata Banerjee, Bengal has a great network of trains. I can still hope to attend tomorrow’s 7:30 lecture if I hit the bed before 3. Just one more week left. Kshitij over and I am free. I hope Chedi’s is open now.

Time : 7:40am Venue: Classroom, ECE department

“You are a disgrace. You are a cheater. You cheat yourself, you cheat IIT, you cheat the nation and above all you cheat your parents. Get out from here. I don’t want any sleeping souls in my class. Just because you had something more important to do yesterday night doesn’t mean I can allow you to sleep in my class. You are out for the whole semester. Don’t show me your wretched face again. “

I came out. I wasn’t feeling sleepy anymore. I thought of having my breakfast. But somehow didn’t feel like going for it. I sat outside the class. Random thoughts occupied my mind.

“My second dereg of the sem. I am going great..!! Here I am hungry, sleepy, feverish and dereged. I am never gonna retain my seven point gpa. I can’t even get an intern for myself. Forget placements..!! How did I land over here?? ”

I saw all my childhood images cropping in front of me.

I lived in a small town in Assam. I belong to a lower middle class family. My father earned enough to send me and my sister in the best school of the city. I was decent in nearly all the sports I played. My parents ensured that I was never short of books or tuitions. But spending on anything else was considered extravagant. I was never really very interested in studies. But I managed to get decent marks. I stopped playing all the games after class seven to find time for my coaching classes. I did pretty well in both the boards but not good enough to clear JEE. But by then I knew, if you are studying science and can’t clear IIT, you are nothing.

My father took a heavy loan and got me enrolled in one of the top coaching institutes in the nation. I knew my motive there. I had to clear JEE. Nothing else came in my mind. I resorted to endless hours of mugging. I knew all possible questions which could’ve been asked under the limitations of the syllabus. And then it happened. I had lived through my parent’s dream.

I landed up in the best department of IIT Kharagpur. I could feel the difference. I felt liberated. I could still play cricket well. I played , made great friends, attended the classes and slept through them all. After years of living the “maggu” life, I felt I can actually do something I love doing. But there was nothing much to do. Working for Kshitij provided the much needed excitement in my life. I decided to become a member at any cost.

I changed my hall. My life got busier. The subjects got boring. Mess food got worse. Labs became a pain. Nightouts became frequent. The ‘know-it-all’ seniors told me how extra acads matter more than acads for a good job. I wanted one. After all, I was not the type of guy who found any excitement in the experiments performed in the labs. I devoted more time and energy for extra acads. Late night meetings ensured I missed or slept through most of my lectures. My grades got worse. Worrying didn’t help. I simply couldn’t concentrate on my books.

There was nothing much I could do. I couldn’t leave my responsibilities after coming this far. I kept losing my self confidence in studies. I don’t know if this is the best path that I have chosen. I don’t know if I ever had an option. I just wanted to ensure my CV is rich enough so that I can sell myself to the companies. But I guess I kept losing my crown as I scrambled for the feathers. I passed the most terrible semester in kgp. I couldn’t explain to my parents, why I can’t be home for the winter break. How much did life change in a year..

Perhaps he is right. I am a disgrace to my parents. But did they ever ask me if I wanted to be an IITian when I was in class 7? Perhaps even I didn’t know at that stage. Why did they burden me with their expectations? Why did they take the heavy loan and expected me to pay back morally? Perhaps it wasn’t their fault. Being an IITian is the noblest way of breaking the vicious shackles of poverty in my poor country. I am a disgrace to my nation. But why is it poor? Why does it not provide enough options for a student to explore? Why am I expected to correct all the faux pas of our economists over the past half century?

“Saari umra ham mar-mar ke ji liye . Ek pal to ab hame jeene do, jeene do.”